Japan → Thailand

Good evening.

I came back to Thailand 2 days ago and I'm at the school and trying to work hard.

Since I'm living in boarding, I have to check my weight every day at nurse room.

I gained weight from 39.4 to 43 - 44kg. Everyone tells me they are happy and I did a good job, but honestly, I really don't know how I am feeling about. For me being this weight is HELL. If I can be honest I want to maintain weight from 42-43kg. I don't want to gain more than this.

Anyway, I'm trying not to think about my weight and how I look these days. I try not to bring up the topic, don't talk about it unless its good. In this blog, I wanna talk about how important discipline yourself. There is a quote pushing me every day. 

“Once you have commitment, you need the discipline and hard work to get you there.”
 — Haile Gebrselassie 

First-time when I looked at this quote I was hurt, disappointed in myself and also so much anger was inside of me. It is because I knew that quote is true and that is what I have to do, but I can't, couldn't.

But I also know its a choice of living easy or not and not fight inner demons or being brave and fight for it every day.

I made a choice to live my life. So I chose to fight against demons every day, every second.

To be honest, its freking hard, every day I still wanna commit suicide, I wanna lose more weight, I feel like vomit when I go to the cafeteria.

But its all about DISCIPLINE.

I'm trying every day.

And today, I feel I finally won against my demons.

I think that what I wanted to say.

sleep and a new day will come.

I finally motivate myself to write a blog today.

 I was feeling NOTING past few days. it was crazy.

hard to wake up, hard to concentrate, I don't feel my body either its walking or stopping,  I couldn't remember anything sometimes. 

I was really confused and getting stress from my behavior and these symptoms. 

it is hard to describe in words but it was horrible and even now too.

But I went to the psychiatric hospital yesterday and found out it was because I couldn't able to take my medication for a week.  I did not know, but I was taking higher amount of antidepressant which my Thai psychiatrist prescribed. Therefore, no wonder why I'm feeling this way.....

I knew this kind of medical help to release more SSRI and maintain the right amount of who has depression or other mental problem. but I did not expect withdrawal symptom is this bad. 

I hope i'll feel better soon.

I'm going back Thailand 5th of March.

after I go back, I need to catch up lots of things. 

but I'm very lucky there are people who support me even teachers.

Right now, I'm trying to gain weight, when I came back to Japan I was only 40kg or less.

but everyone tells me to eat so I eat and gain until 43.

But you know what, I don't feel anything. I don't wanna eat anything.

if someone tells me to eat, I can eat. But those words never change my feelings.